i'm always trying to get there
i never really get there
to that quiet place where
i accept myself
instead i'm deep inside some high school
locker room no clothing
popping the zits of my self loathing
under fluorescent lights
and the bell sounds
and the lights flash
and there's all these questions milling around
and you're too ashamed to ask






"My secret has been revealed!!!! I'm a closeted Amberholic!!!!! Please help me!!!! Someone!!!"



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January 7, 2004
Madness

[Mood: numb                                  ]

[Music: Thursday - Where the circle Ends]


The whiskey's wearing out
And the madness is creeping back in
Your face is coming out
Of the blur in my head

I can see you standing in front of me
Sitting here in that cell
Where they can't see me
Or have they just forgotten about me at all?

I shouldn't look to where
You stand staring at me
But the madness is creeping back in
I can feel it growing
Like an old familiar friend
Coming back from a long journey

I've been waiting for you
Dreading to see your face again
But though I've been trying
To make you lose your way
You're smarter than drunken me thinks

And the madness is creeping back in
And will settle for good
Now that the whiskey has worn out for good
And your hand just reached for mine
To make sure it can't reach out for the bottle

Posted at 12:11 pm by earthquake
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October 30, 2003
Tori

[mood: bored              ]

[music: Tori Amos - Mr Zebra]


spring haze
You are Spring Haze. Lost, not knowing what it is
that you are looking for, but knowing it's out
there somewhere. Sweet, wistful, and sad.
Perhaps this has to do with someone your soul
loves. Perhaps not. You are on the edges of
eternal wanting.

Aieeeee... Which Tori Amos song are you? (Or, what is your Angst?)
brought to you by Quizilla


Posted at 12:10 pm by earthquake
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October 29, 2003
Amber

[mood: pleased          ]

[music: K's Choice - Winners]


This is what the wall above my bed looks like right now. I just changed the pics up there and yeah, I have an obsession with Amber Benson, it's really pathetic! lol
But I do'nt really care. I like her, what she looks like and the person she is, so to hell with people calling me a freak. AMBER RULES! lol

Posted at 12:50 pm by earthquake
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October 27, 2003
Just a quiz I took

[mood: bored          ]

[music: Emm Gryner - Acid]


Posted at 9:51 pm by earthquake
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Grey

[mood:  confused     ]
[music: Ani DiFranco - Grey]

GREY

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

I have no idea if I listen to this song when I feel in this particular mood or if the song puts me in that mood... anyway, this song is always linked for me to a feeling that I cannot really describe. It's not just the words, it's the whole music of it, the sound, the way the words flow with the music; of course the words are important, but it's the whole thing about it.
This song is just a state of mind, a way of being for me... anyway, enough with that.

I got this email from Irena today. She says she's just been busy and holds no hard feelings against me, but she just doesn't know what to say, what could be said.
This all thing feels weird for me and if I'm honest with myself... well, I guess I haven't been honest with myself, and therefore not with her, for quite some time now. I did feel a lot of things at the begining, I did really feel it was special, but then it kinda faded. I didn't wanna admit it and I think I'm just trying to convince myself that there was something special here, that what we had was something huge. It wasn't, and I think we just both wanted to believe that it was. Now that it's over, I think I just have troubles admiting that I fucked up and said things I didn't really mean. It's hard to admit that to myself, but it's worse to let her see it. But what's weird is that I get the feeling that she feels the same. She doesn't say it, of course, but it's like I can read it between the lines. We got miscarried, took what we had for something it wasn't, and we have trouble admitting it.
If we did admit it, we would just hurt each other and I know this is something we don't want. I never wanna hurt her, though I guess I did, because no matter what, she's really a wonderful person; it's just that I don't feel this special thing I feel inside whenever Kathrin comes to my mind...


Posted at 9:37 pm by earthquake
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October 26, 2003
No one ever said it would be this hard

[mood: sad                    ]
[music: Plastic Mary - Cruel sun
           Tegan & Sara - Heavy  
           Tom McRae - Second law]

Today I said goodbye to Irena.

Well, I had to admit and accept that she wasn't gonna talk to me so I sent her an email. I said that I didn't blame her for not wanting to talk to me (I have no idea if it's just for now, but I assume it's for good) and that I was sorry for what happened, that I never meant or expected things to turn out the way they did; I also said that I hoped that she got the life she deserved and that for what it's worth I still loved her a great deal and would be there whenever she would feel like talking to me or anything.

This is all so weird... It's the first time I feel that way about someone, you know, like you love someone (I can't really say I'm in love, but I really do love her loads and really care about her) and they love you, but you know it's just not working and it's no point being together.
It's just amazing how a lot of the things I feel/felt about her are things that I had never felt before. I don't know, there's just something about her that makes her special. Of course there are other things that... well, that I'm not too comfortable with, but I'll always see her as a very precious and special someone. That's why it hurts and saddens me to see that we got where we are, after all the things that were said. But I guess... well, all these things about Kathrin that woke up in me make me realise that it wouldn't have been fair to go one like that when my heart was somewhere else.  
I can't blame anyone, and I'm not even trying to; I guess it's just the way things are, but I wish we could have found a way to sort things out so that we could at least still be friends...

I guess I miss her, somehow...
It's just another person on the list of people I miss every day...

Posted at 8:12 pm by earthquake
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October 25, 2003
More of this boring thing

[mood: still bored                       ]

[music: Tori Amos - Caught a lite sneeze]


::DA BASICS::
name
: Gaelle
age: 25
location: Paris, France
zodiac sign: Gemini
shoe size: 7 (well, 37)
height: 5'2 (well, that’s basically 1,57m, never been good with inches and feet)
eye color: Blue
hair color: Blondish
car: I can’t drive yet, too lazy to get my license
hobbies: music, computer, reading, tv, movies, writing… loads of stuff
nicks: GJ
wut language do you speak? French, English, German and some Italian
wut sports do you play? I hate sports!
where were you born?
Paris
are you a night or mornin person? Night I guess
are you ticklish? Yeah
do you believe in God? No

::GETTING PERSONAL::
wut do you wanna be when you grow up? I’ve already grown up and am trying to find a job as a translator
wut is your most embarrassing story? I don't know maybe Simon walking into Kathrin’s room at the wrong moment
wut has been da best day of your life? My first anniversary with Kathrin

wut comes 1st in your Life?
My loved ones
do you have a bf? I’m gay
if you had an extra pair of eyes? What then?
wut do you usually think about before you go to sleep at night? Too many things…

::ABOUT YOUR FRENDS::
who is your funniest friend? Well, they all can be funny
who makes you laugh da most? See answer above
who do you email the most? Hum… I don’t know… maybe Violaine right now
who is your meanest friend? None of my friend is mean, otherwise they wouldn’t be a friend… stupid question!
who is da shyest? Me! lol
who is da smartest? They’re all smart
who is da wildest? I’d say Chris is the wildest in her way… or maybe Glores! lol
who are your best frends? Knocker, Maud, Areti, Violaine, Glores
who do you go for advice? Glores, Chris… well, depends on the subject I need advice on really
who knowz all your secrets? Knocker and Irena *sighs*
who is the prettiest? I believe that the people you love are beautiful so they’re all beautiful to me
who is your cutest guy frend? I only have one guy friend, so it’ll have to be Knocker
who is most understanding? Maud
who is the weirdest? Most people tend to think I’m weird so I guess no one’s really weird to me

:: IN THE PAST 24 HRS HAVE YOU::
had a serious talk? No
hugged someone? No
fought w/ a friend? No, haven’t fought with anyone
cried? Yes
made someone laugh? Yeah
bought something? Hum… been shopping for dinner, does that count?
had sex? No
talked to someone you luv? Yes
missed someone? I miss most of the people I love, just because they all seem to be far away…

::HAVE YOU EVER::
had someone be unfaithful to you?
“Kinda” seems to be the right answer to that
stayed home on a saturday night just bcuz? Because what???
shoved stuff under da bed to make your room look clean? No
been in a hospital [not visiting]? Yeah
dumped someone and regretted it? Not really
went out w/ more than one person at a time? No
luved someone so much it made you cry? Oh yes!
hated yourself? Yeah
been brokenhearted? Yes
do you like to give hugs? I love hugs
like to walk in the rain? If it’s not really pouring, yeah
sleep with or without clothes? Depends
sleep on your side, tummy , or back? Side

think you're attractive? No. I know I’m not, but I guess it’s ok.
wanna get married? I don’t think you need a piece of paper to prove your love, but who knows?...
if so , to who? To the person that will make me feel like I’ve really found my soul mate


Posted at 8:02 pm by earthquake
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Like anyone cares!

[mood:bored                             ]
[music: Archive - Again
           K's Choice - Virgin State of Mind
           K's Choice - Winners                ]

1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: Eyes and smile
2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: Sure
3. Would you marry for money?: No
4. Have you had braces?: Yes
5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: Yes, but only a little

7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: Never had one
8. Could you live without a computer?: Not for too long
9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...?: Mostly MSN but I also have Yahoo and ICQ
10. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: 13... is that bad luck?

11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: I have no idea...
12. Do you drink enough water?: Yes
13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: Wear them in the house *evil grin*
14. What is your favorite fruit?: Raspberries and almost any red fruit
15. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: Both
16. What is your favorite place to visit?: Anywhere a loved one is
17. What is the last movie you saw?: Mystic River
18. Do you kiss on the first date?: I guess
19. Are you photogenic?: Hell no!
20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: Never thought about it... color I guess
21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: No, I never do
23. Do you have any dimples?: No
24. Do you remember being born?: Does anyone remember this??
25. Why do you take surveys?: Nothing else to do
26. Do you drink alcohol?: Sometimes
27. Did you like or do you like high school?: No it was hell on earth
28. What is the most beautiful language?: Italian
29. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: Never been

31. Do you want to live to be 100?: I don't think so

32. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: Well, I guess it looks better, no matter how annoying it is
33. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: salty
34. Is a flat stomach important to you?: I wish I had one but on others I don't mind
35. Do you or have you played with an Ouija board?: What's that? (I guess that means the answer is no! lol)
36. Are you loyal?: I try my best to be
37. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?: Yes, as far as I can
38. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: Low
39. Do you believe in magic?: Yeah
40. Do you have nightmares frequently?: Not really, depends on how I feel
41. Do you like your nose?: I don't care much about it
42. Do you like abstract art?: Yeah
43. Do you think you can draw well?: No, I definitely can't... whish I could, though 
44. Do you listen to music daily?: All the time. I can't go without music
45. Do you like to watch cartoons?: Cartoon channels rule *blushes*

46. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: *shrugs* I can't remember
47. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: 5
48. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like variety?: I tend to wear the same shoes every day
49. Do you write poetry?: I sometimes do, but I guess it's bad poetry...
50. Do you snore?: If I have a cold
51. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: Sides
52. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: I don't really like dogs but I'd say a rottweiler (poodles look too stupid)
53. Do you lick stamps?: If I have to, yes
54. Do you use an electric can opener?: No
55. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: No, and I do'nt think I'd like to
56. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Definitely emotional pain
57. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: I do'nt really care, they can do whatever they feel like
59. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: Piano
60. Are you a sex addict?: Not really, but I never say no to someone I love ;)
61. Do you know someone who has cancer?: No
63. Do you hunt?: No, and I hate hunters
64. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: Well, depends...
65. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: An art museum
66. Do you have a middle name? What is it?: Claire
67. Are you basically a happy person?: Not really...
68. Are you tired?: I'm always tired
69. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: A glass of diet coke
70. Have you ever met anyone off the Internet?: Yeah, some of my real best friends and the girl I love...
71. How many phones do you have in your house?: 2 phones and 1 mobile phones
72. How long is your hair?: Almost long enough! *grins widely*
73. Do you get along with your parents?: Not as well as I should
74. What color of eyes do you prefer?: Blue or green
75. Are you a virgin?: Yeah
76. What medications do you take?: A beta blocker for my chronical migraine
77. What are you wearing?: Jeans and a black long sleeved t-shirt


Posted at 7:45 pm by earthquake
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October 24, 2003
Thoughts of her...

[mood: nostalgic                                      ]

[music: Tom McRae - Beautiful

             Tom McRae - The boy with the bubblegun]

 

Dear Kathrin,

I’ll never be able to send this, but I wanna write it here, just to let it all out.

I used to day dream about you a lot, and I still sometimes do, but I’d never actually dreamt about you, not really… only in the past few days you’ve popped into my dreams quite a lot.

I don’t really know how I feel about this… well, yeah, I do: I feel nostalgic.

I think it’s high time I admitted that no matter what happened, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself (and almost succeeded), deep inside, a part of me is still waiting for you to come back and ask me to start it all again, to give us another chance.

It’s never gonna happen, I know this, but I can’t help feeling the way I do. I know you’re happy right now, as much as you can be, and I never wanna interfere with this, because you being happy is the thing I want most in the whole world, but the feeling’s right there in my heart.

I guess it’s just this failing that whatever happened with Irena is, the fact that what I mostly feel like lately is lonely, well, all these things, together with having been in Germany, they made me realise that you’re part of every best memory I ever had, and I don’t really know how to handle this. I just can't help having thoughts of the happy times we shared, of moments of tenderness we had, and how right my life felt when I was with you. I have never found anyone who could make me feel the way you did, and this is so special that I know I'll never feel quite the same again. I used to think this was a good thing, but I have to admit to myself that I miss you more than I ever thought possible to miss someone. I miss you in a way I've never missed anyone; it's a silent and aching feeling... 

If I could speak my heart out to you, without caring about the consequences, what I’d say is this: “Kathrin, I know what happened and what things were like when you decided to end our story and I totally respect and understand that because I would never have wanted you to stay with me when it didn’t make you happy anymore. However, I can’t help being there waiting; and I want you to know that whatever happens, you’ll always have a place to run to, someone to turn to. For what it’s worth, I love you Kathrin, and I always will, some way or another.”

But I can’t say these things, so I’m writing them here, knowing that you won’t read them and it’s probably better that way…


Posted at 10:30 pm by earthquake
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October 23, 2003
Brrrrr

[mood:cold                           ] 
[music: Ani DiFranco - I know this bar]

I am sooooo cold... outside and in... 
I'm not surprised that I started this on a cold grey rainy day; they always tend to get me into a writing mood... It probably also has to do with the fact that I feel lonely and have been feeling so for a while now.
I don't know why I have that sentence in my head because it's not really got anything to do with me being gay or not but I remember reading a Tara/Willow fic in which Tara answered to what it was like to be gay by saying it was lonely. It's something
that stuck inside my head lately, like some songs do and you don't know why, except if you're honest to yourself you always find a reason why a certain song line is stuck in your head... Anyway, nevermind...

It looks like Irena won't talk to me anymore. I realise that things haven't really been the way they should have been between us, that I probably disapointed her, but I thought we could agree to disagree on some things and accept that it meant that being together wasn't the best thing to do, whithout holding grudges.
I have no idea how she feels, what she thinks about us, about me, and I have to admit I miss her; because whatever happened, whatever things are like right now, I can't go back on what I felt and ignore what happened... I just wish she'd talk to me, I guess.

I also wish Chris would talk to me more! lol I know how she is and I won't start overanalysing things and think she doesn't wanna talk to me, but I guess today's a day when I wish she was 'around'... Just like I wish Knocker was around. I know he's having fun and a great time with Katie right now and it's cool, cause he deserves that and it's high time he was happy (... and I hope Katie doesn't fuck up again and hurt him one more time), but I can't help he was around, teasing me about my pathetic crush on Amber and, yeah, just fooling around with me...

But, oh well, I guess it's me and myself today, and it's good that way.
I'd better go get something hot to drink before I freeze.




Posted at 3:11 pm by earthquake